i dont know why i do the things i do now. none of it makes sense but yet i do know i need Him and im not willing to let this world change that need. even unto my shock, even when it does mean losing some of the greatest parts of my life.



i know in truth your faithfulness, your promises, your love for me and i stand to them today, ready to believe in them ready to partaken in them fully because they are all i have today. Your strength, your comfort, your protection, my sun and my shield, take part in my life now more than ever and bring glory to Your name. your daughter needs you.

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theres been a deep well inside of my life for quite
some time now thats been running dry. full of
disappointment, fear, and isolation, I’ve never gone
near it, too afraid to discover what could be laying
deep within after all these years of neglect

and abandonment. I've been able to get on
by without this well, searched the nearest places in
my lifetime for some provision of water. and
provision i found.

i thought I’d found the answer to all my needs,
perfected all the cracks and edges of my life. Created
some theories, some advice, wise words to live by.
But i never laughed, i lived through time wary of
everything. I thought i found God, i had first heard
of Him, rejected him, drew closer to Him, heard
Him, prayed to Him, and relied on Him. I wasn't
ready to drop my valuables in my hand in order to
take only His. But then i did, because i was tired of
an emotional life that rode between the worst and
the good.

And so He showed me the well. He let me
hear the sound of its emptiness with my own tears.

Love.
There’s a power behind our words that i have only
recently discovered. It was like learning language all
over again. I have graduated school, had my share of
heartaches and laughter, written well on exams and
essay but to grasp the meaning behind a few words i
have never truly learned.

Father.
To speak it in english. no problem, to hear it,
okay. Its something i'd become accustomed to,
explained plenty of times in my lifetime as questions
came up about my family. The role of the word in
society, no problem. I'd cross examined it plenty of
times in my classes.

父親. 愛
and in chinese? Its a side of me i learned to push
aside as irrelevant in years of american society. I had
never possessed much of my cultural inheritance, it
was a part of my life that was just not relevant.

and then to hear 我的父親愛我,
i stil get shivers hearing that repeated in my own
head and from my own lips. The more He told me,
the more i wept, the greater i laughed.

The first few drops down the well, were painful to
hear. it only reminded me of the emptiness it held,
of the lack, the thirst and desperation inside my
mouth and my heart. for water.

for a father.

Then something broke. The well was cracked, the
well was useless, it was only a shell, an opening for
the water. And out came living water, endless,
limitless, streaming, pouring over and into me joy,
relief, and peace.

- His daughter

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what is it like to realize marriage is not about you or nor are you about you?

when two flesh become one, they bring to the world a different unique destiny.
Knowing God has brought out my experiences a compassion and a desire unique to me, He's going to use that. There is someone.some people. out there who need this compassion and this love.

There is some nation. some people. some one who needs him more than i do. He has a destiny that serves people. Intertwined with another, marriage brings forth life. forth destiny. change.

I'wont be able to know for sure if we will spend our lives together that way. i can hope, i can pray. i can be assured knowing He will use our lives for a righteousness that exceeds our knowledge.



Know God has an area of your heart He's ready to change, or has already, and He's able to use all the disappointments of your life and make it into hope for another, so there is light from your darkest days.

Sometimes we will be unable to love, and He will step in and show it to us. Not how it's done, but how He can love you and the inconvenient to love with the same amazing passion.

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im caught within this miserable inbetween. of affection and separation.

our heartstrings are in such tangled mess. every thought is a throb that only tightens the mess and chokes the heart of its living breath. thats what those throbbing aches are.

somehow my mind is fine and aligned with this chaos-of-a-line. but my heart is still in expectancy for a reassuring trinket of some kind. no matter how heavy the chains around my feet are now, its better than the freedom without him in life. even to be within the presence of his shadows is better than to have lost him entirely from my life.

all around the walls of my heart are the holes punctured by the disappointments life's accumulated for me over time. the scariest realization is not that this is another hole, but that slowly its only cracking wider all the other ones.

if only my heart had a mind, it could understand waiting is only granting deeper wounds.



God, you are the only one with the ability to mend these cracks and care for my open wounds. Let Your love shine through these punctures until You transform every part of me and my heart. i konw this is some sort of an unhealthy dependancy of my heart on him but my soul wont let go, no matter how tired my sprirt is of fighting for a way out. Your life has give me new life--

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why do i run when my soul says wait

why do i hide when my heart says find, find His face?

my mind is weary and my soul in despair

where can i find my Father if i hide?

how do i find when i do not look?



His love never fails.

---

im running two races and i am only one limb.

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we are a generation that seeks for love in every way we believe it to be most attainable and most fulfilling. but truly, we're seeking for You. our spirits are discontent and our hearts and weary from every bruise of a fall. Show us what true love is and redeem its purity in its entirety

how our actions are rooted in our drive for love, and our actions stewarded by our hunger to find it. every way we turn, there is evidence of our trying efforts. how we seek love, and have gone every way to find it, except to find it in You. its the lies of unholiness, of unworthiness, of our acts that render us unattainable of Your love. where we cannot find love in familial embrace, we turn to heterosexual and homosexual relationships. when we cannot find love we erase all memories of it. when find love we hold onto in. and we validate our findings with passionate moments, sensations to vindicate our abandonment of faith and restore our faith of love. But God, how your love is beyond sensation, beyond moments, its wild and its real..its pure romance with a purpose of promise. its undeniably true and yet undeniably difficult for us to grasp because of its radiant lack of conditions. it is not based on physical evidence because your love is beyond our physical limitations, it is not of this world but You are in love with this world.

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